Beloved Pilgrim Read online

  He reached his other arm and put his hand on her breast. He stroked her up and down, all the way to her belly. She tensed and stared at him, afraid that he was going to do what he wanted in spite of his promise to her parents. The fear gave an edge to another feeling she was having. She felt tingly wherever he stroked. He chuckled as she started to fidget and laughed aloud when she made an incoherent protest and reached out and shoved him roughly away with the heels of her palms.

  "You swine!" she spat at him. "Marta, get my father!"

  "If she goes to get your father, that will leave us alone. Are you sure you want that? Maybe you do." He started to lean over her again.

  Elisabeth managed an elbow into his solar plexus. He jumped back with a gasp. "My God, you pack a punch, girl!"

  Marta was rising, making distressed noises, and turning to the door.

  "Don't bother, bitch," Reinhardt said. "I'll leave her alone." He turned over and put his back to the seething girl. He leaned to say over his shoulder, "For now." He chuckled again, punched his pillow, and laid down his head.

  Marta, wringing her hands, looked to Elisabeth. After a few moments, the girl nodded. "It's all right." She felt under her own pillow for her eating knife. She would not sleep a wink this night, waiting for Reinhardt to try something else. She sat up, putting the pillow behind her back, crossed her arms and glared at the man. Even when he was obviously asleep, she kept her watch.

  "I am sorry you are not leaving with my party as I invited," the baron said flatly to Sigismund as he stepped onto the mounting block and mounted his horse.

  As the baron and his party rode out of the gates, Elisabeth raised her eyes to watch them disappear. Elias stepped up to her side and put his arm around her shoulders. He whispered, "I never thought I would say this, but if one Saracen gets through our lines with his sword, I hope he makes one Christian kill."

  Elisabeth let out a most unladylike snort.

  Adalberta took to her bed that same night. She protested vainly that she was simply tired, but Sigismund's eyes as he watched her revealed deep concern.

  Elias and Albrecht also watched, knowing that with each passing month their chance to go on pilgrimage to Jerusalem was slipping away.

  As the weakness did not abate and his wife found it harder and harder to hide that she was in pain, his eyes grew haunted. He chided himself for his delay in leaving on crusade. If he had gone early, he might have been at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher by now, praying fervently for his wife's recovery. It was thanks to his inexcusable delay that she now lay dying, moaning in pain, gasping with the agony.

  Left to themselves the twins and their constant companion guiltily fled the manor to get away from the moans and cries and the helpless look on their father's face. They redoubled their practice at arms, and Elias forced the weapon master to teach his sister what he had taught him. When the man protested to Sigismund, the distracted lord just waved him away. "Do what the boy says. Just leave me alone."

  One morning, the three made their way to Magdalena's isolated cottage, and Elisabeth begged her to come back to the manor and help her mother. She refused. "Oh my dear one, you know I cannot. I made a solemn vow never to leave this place."

  Looking quickly at Elias Elisabeth urged, "Can we not bring Mother here?"

  Her brother, whose eyes showed the weariness of lack of hope, shook his head. "Do you really want her to go through the pain of being brought here?"

  Seeing Albrecht reach to put his hand on Elias's arm, Elisabeth's desperation turned into anger and resentment. "Oh, you two! Can't you keep your hands off each other?"

  The shock showing on all three faces brought Elisabeth back to herself. "Oh, my dears, I am so sorry. I just . . . I don't know." She stood, covering her mouth with her hand. With a sob she dashed away.

  "Let her go," the older woman said as Elias started to go after her.

  He slowly turned and looked at her. "Does she know? About Albrecht and me?" At the woman's grave nod, he subsided. "How?" he asked.

  "Does that matter?" the woman asked.

  Elias shrugged. "What . . . how . . . does she feel? Does she hate me, us?"

  "That is something you should speak with Elisabeth about, but I do not think so. She is confused. She feels like she has lost you, Elias."

  He looked up sharply. "My love for Albrecht does not lessen my love for her!" he said firmly.

  The woman smiled wanly. "You need to tell her that, show her that. Especially now with your mother dying."

  The tall young man slumped, his face growing miserable and the tears starting to course down his cheeks. Albrecht put his arms tight around him. Elias started to sob as Albrecht held him.

  They found Elisabeth in the practice yard swinging a sword with all her might.

  "Leave me with her, won't you, my love?" Elias said quietly to Albrecht, who nodded, squeezed his arm and, head bowed, walked away.

  Her brother watched her, seeing no let-up in the ferocity of her swings. "Elli!" he finally called. She did not stop, so he shouted, "Elli, hold!"

  The young woman slowed her swings until her arms drooped at her sides, the sword point touching the dirt. She breathed heavily, the breaths coming out more and more like sobs. Elias advanced gradually to stand before her. "Is it safe?" he asked with his joking grin.

  She looked up into his face, her eyes wide. "Oh you," she spat and shoved him in the chest with the heel of one hand.

  "Apparently not!" her brother said as he pretended her shove almost knocked him off his feet. He held out his arms, and Elisabeth resignedly walked into them.

  Shushing her as he pressed her face into his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her. "Elli, what I feel for Albrecht has nothing to do with how I feel for you. You are my sister, my twin. We are almost not two different people. You must know that." He felt her hesitant nod against the side of his neck. "I love you, Elli, more than I can say."

  Her muffled words were nevertheless clear enough to him. "I love you too, Elias. I-I just do not understand. How did it happen?"

  He sighed and shrugged. "I do not really know. It just did."

  Looking up from his shoulder with red and puffy eyes, she asked, "When?"

  He wiped a tear from her cheek. "When what?"

  "When did you know . . . about loving Albrecht, I mean?"

  He shrugged again. "Almost as soon as he came to live here, I suppose. I did not understand what I was feeling at first. I think he knew before I did. It's . . . I can't explain. I don't really want to explain." His cheeks burned with embarrassment.

  She put her palm to his reddening cheek. "Shhh, shhh," she soothed. "You talked to Magdalena," she stated.

  Elias nodded. He gave a rough laugh. "I thought I was going to burn in Hell for all eternity. She told us love is love, that God is love, and all that. I couldn't believe that the kind of love we had, the . . . well, the physical, cannot be what she meant. It's one reason he and I wanted to go on the crusade. The Holy Father said that everyone who made it to Jerusalem would be forgiven all their sins, past, present and future."

  She peered into his face, curious. "So you meant to keep . . . doing whatever with Albrecht, even afterwards?"

  The look in his eyes was poignant. "Elli, I love him. I could never give him up. I would rather go to Hell." His lips twisted in pain.

  "You are not going to Hell. Or if you do, then I will go there with you and Albrecht. I could not stand a God who would punish my sweet, loving brother for just doing what feels right to him."

  Her gaze was so fierce Elias could not help but grin and then laugh. "Oh, Elli, you are such a termagant. I think they should send you on crusade. You would frighten the unbelief out of all the heathens!"

  She looked outraged for a moment, and then her own face crumpled into laughter. "You go now and tell Albrecht that as far as I am concerned, I have two brothers."

  Elias feigned horror. "Oh no, that would be incest on top of sodomy!"

  Elisabeth stepped back and p
ut her hands on her hips. "Good thing there will probably be more crusades. You two are going to need it!"

  Chapter Three ~ Liebestod

  It took Adalberta over a year to die. At the end of that hellish period Sigismund stayed in their chamber sleeping on the floor by their bed, terrified that the last moment would come when he was out. When they were present to see it, the twins noted that a constant supply of strong drink went into the room. They heard not only their mother's whimpering, but also their father's frantic sobbing prayers.

  Trying to ignore their feelings of guilt, the twins and Albrecht stayed away from the manor as much as they could manage to grasp what they could of life together. It would come as a relief when the loving mother and beautiful woman they remembered was finally out of pain and suffering. How Sigismund would take the apotheosis they could not guess.

  One chill evening as they sat frozen both in body and spirit by the hall fire, the sounds abruptly stopped. The three young people exchanged frightened looks. Elias started to rise, but his sister put her hand on his arm. Moments later they heard booted feet on the stairs.

  Sigismund stood at the foot in the gloom. "I could not stand it any more. She was in agony. I had to help her out of it. God forgive me, I had to do it." He teetered backwards, his back hitting the timber wall behind him. The three he spoke to jumped to their feet and went to him. He waved them aside. "No, leave me. Go to your mother's bedside. She is with God now. Now I must go to church and try to make my peace with Him." He stumbled to the door of the hall and clumsily pulled it open.

  "Go watch him," Elias said to Albrecht. "Make sure he doesn't harm himself."

  The younger man looked into Elias's eyes. Glancing quickly at Elisabeth, he nodded, then stepped forward and put his arms around Elias. Elias stood still for a moment, then let his own arms go around him. Elisabeth watched with envy, wishing she had someone to hold her. She could hear Albrecht's weeping.

  "Go," Elias repeated softly, and Albrecht pulled himself away, spun and went out the door after the knight.

  The twins stood in the darkness gazing mournfully into each other's eyes. He went to her and at last she had the comforting embrace she needed. Arm in arm they ascended the stairs to their parents' chambers where their mother lay, a peaceful look on her face. The young people knelt at the bedside to pray for their mother's soul and for forgiveness for their father.

  When he came back into the manor, Sigismund briskly went about arranging for his wife's remains. He would not speak to anyone except to give instructions. Even after her body was removed to the church, he sat in a window embrasure, staring out into some middle distance. He continued to drink enormous amounts of wine, but when he emerged for any reason, he did not seem drunk.

  The twins could only wait and watch, wondering what their father would do. Would he closet himself in his chamber forever? Would he go mad and do violence to himself? "He is too strong a man just to give up on life," Elias proclaimed. "He will do something, go somewhere, I don't know."

  The household waited with them, knowing that in one way or another, all their lives would soon be irrevocably altered.

  Sigismund finally came out of his chamber one day and sent for his steward and the captain of his household knights and soldiers. Elisabeth stood in the corridor, her eyes wide watching as he issued commands. He finally turned to her and put his arms out. She slowly moved forward, then flung herself in his arms. "I am going to Jerusalem," her father said.

  He came to supper in the hall that night, telling his son and daughter to sit on either side of him at the high table. He waited until the repast was served to talk about his plan.

  "My children, it is a mortal sin to take an innocent life, whatever the reason. It is also a mortal sin to seek to end one's life deliberately. Your mother and I are both in desperate danger of our immortal souls. I did not want to ease her misery that way, but she pleaded with me with her eyes. It should have been cruel not to do as she wished. But God does not make exceptions." He saw Elisabeth leaned forward to speak and waved her to subsidence. "No, hear me out. His Holiness Pope Urban promised complete absolution for all sins, past present and future, if a man or woman would go on his holy crusade to Jerusalem. I did not tell you, but when we laid your mother to rest, I had her heart removed. I will go to Jerusalem. I will take it with me. That is all I can do to expiate both our sins."

  Elias sat on his right, his head bowed, listening, while Albrecht was not far away standing with a pitcher of wine. Only Elisabeth looked directly into her father's face.

  Sigismund turned to face Elias. "My son," he said in a grim voice, "I need you to stay here and protect our interests. You cannot come with me."

  Elisabeth closed her eyes with relief. When she opened them again, she saw Elias's stricken look.

  "Not go with you?" he protested.

  Sigismund's look was severe. "Do not argue with me, son. I am firm on this. You have a future, and you must prepare. Don't throw your life away on something so nebulous. Stay here and let the steward show you how to maintain our property. I will knight you before the household fighters leave and I. If God wills it . . . " He paused in his statements to chuckle darkly at his own use of the crusaders' motto. "If God wants me to, I will return as soon as I can. Reinhardt will probably come back about the same time. If you have done well, Elias, I will turn the running of this estate over to you. Elisabeth will go with her husband to his estates. I will take my place again in Emperor Henry's service."

  Elisabeth finally found her own voice. "When will you go, Father?"

  Her brother asked, "And which route will you take?"

  Sigismund sighed and sat back in his heavy, ornate chair. "The others who crossed the Alps shall have long been in the Holy Land. I cannot catch up to them but must go as directly there as I may. I believe we shall travel overland, east through the Balkans and down into Byzantium. By the time we arrive there we should be able to get some news about where Eustace and Godfrey of Boulogne are. They may be in Jerusalem already, in which case I will do what I must there, find Reinhardt and plan to return."

  He shook his head at his son's resentful look. He put a hand on the young man's shoulder. "You will have your chance, Elias. There is never any shortage of wars."

  Elias nodded resignedly.

  As Sigismund prepared for departure, Elias and Albrecht threw themselves into serving him and his knights. Elisabeth had taken the role of lady of the manor and turned those shaky skills as best she could to help provision the departing company.

  She happened to be in a corridor when Elias came toward her from the far end. They stopped and looked at each other. "There is something wrong about all this," she stated without explanation.

  Elias shook his head. "I know. I should be going as his squire."

  Elisabeth frowned at him. "You are so fixed on your grievance, you are not paying attention to what's going on here."

  He started to protest, but the truth of her insight struck him. He bowed his head. "You are right. What are you feeling?"

  She put a hand on his shoulder. "I am not sure I can put it into words. I know Father truly does mean to take mother's heart to Jerusalem, to ensure that they can be together in heaven, but something tells me Father does not mean to come back."

  He stared at her, his eyebrows knitted. "But he said he would. Why would he lie?"

  Elisabeth shrugged. "Maybe he doesn't realize it himself."

  Her brother looked away as if thinking the problem through. "I don't see what we can do," he finally said.

  Elisabeth's face showed that she agreed.

  The day before Sigismund's household fighters were to leave for the east, he conducted the ceremony that made his son a knight. After a mass in the church where Elias had spent the night on his knees praying to be worthy, Albrecht dressed him in his finest clothes. They went down to the hall together, Albrecht ever at Elias's left shoulder.

  Sigismund stood just below the dais dressed in his own finest and ho
lding a naked sword. Elisabeth waited beside him. Father Boniface waited until Elias knelt before his father and Albrecht stepped back to a respectful distance. Elisabeth glanced at the boy, seeing the pride shining in his eyes as he looked at Elias's kneeling figure. She smiled. Father Boniface intoned a blessing and then himself retreated.

  Sigismund looked down at his son's bowed head. "Elias, my son, I have ever been proud of you. Even though my many long absences have deprived you of some of what you deserved in your young life, you stayed stalwart, patient, and virtuous. You stood by your dear mother throughout it all. That is indeed the character of a true knight."

  He raised the naked blade and performed the ritual of knighting in silence. He had tears in his eyes. When he was finished, he bade Elias stand. Somberly holding up the sword with the pommel toward his son, he proclaimed, "Take your sword, Sir Knight, and see to it you wield it in honor and justice."

  Elisabeth heard the priest's quiet "Amen." She watched as Elias took the sword, kissed the place where hilt met blade to create a cruciform, and then slowly slipped it into the empty scabbard at his side. He struck his heels together and bowed to his father. Albrecht stepped to him and draped a mantle about his shoulders. Elias stood, dignified, handsome and magnificent.

  One final feast marked the occasion and the departure of most of the fighting men at Winterkirche. It was a somber affair, so much grief part of all the decisions that had been made.

  In the early morning much of the same group of people assembled in the courtyard. Sigismund sat his destrier and watched the servants carry a richly decorated casket containing the late Adalberta's heart to a cart and lay it carefully within. Father Boniface pronounced a blessing over the casket and then turned to do the same for the mounted company.

  Sigismund looked at his son and daughter where they stood on the steps to the hall. "God bless you and keep you, my children."

  Elias lifted his chin and assured, "I shall not disappoint you, my father."

  "I know you shall not," was all his father could say in reply. He turned his eyes to rest on his daughter. "I . . . I . . . " His voice broke on a suppressed sob.